I would love to say that this is truly a NON ISSUE but truth is ladies…IT ISN’T! In my lifetime I have witnessed so many friendships, relationships and even whole families torn apart behind malicious gossiping and “half truths”. The question I pose to you today is why? Why is it that when someone comes to us with “oh girl you won’t believe what I heard” or “girl, I got to tell you what they said about you” we never find the strength to calmly go talk to the person being sited as the “she” with the problem? How many times have you been minding your own busy just to be ambushed by someone with a story to tell? And how many times has the news totally disrupted that good feeling you were having? I am raising my hand because I have always thought of myself as a pretty easy person to get along with. You know funny, friendly and glad to help. I am not a the type of woman who gets all heartfelt when perfect strangers take issue with me but when someone I care about does…that’s another story. Question is: should it be? What if I found my way to the person..my sister, my friend, cousin, co worker and simply asked “hey, what’s going on? Did I do something to offend you? Is it true you are feeling some kinda way about me?” I would like to believe that we are adult enough to at least have a conversation with someone we once shared our secrets with. I know we have all heard the term “Hater” and we have pretty much bought right into the idea that there are spies all around each and every one of us hating on everything we do. Some people in our lives have proven that concept to be true. But let me ask you…have you ever been the person being accused of HATERISM? Has something you said been repeated and twisted into something ugly? Would it had made any difference if your friend had come to you and asked instead believing what someone else told her instead? I know it would have made a world of difference to me. So I ask you…who’s really the hater? From where I am standing, when we give the messenger all the credit for being the honest, upstanding citizen and never offer the same courtesy to the other party we are, in fact, HATING ON OURSELVES! Popular belief isn’t always equivalent to truth and as we take steps to change the idea that women can’t get along, don’t care about one another and are in a never ending competition…we must first change how we see ourselves in the grand scope of things. ~Your Sista, My Sista, iSista!
I have been feeling some sort of way and just a moment ago it hit me. I am happy with my curves and my rolls and my thickness but I am not happy when YOU point it out to me. I can stand in front of my mirror and love me up something serious but when YOU get there I worry. Now I know what you are thinking if HE loves me HE should love me always. The catch is I mean women too. We as women see other women full figured or slim and for some unspoken reason “we don’t like her”. I am the type of person that usually miss the concept of the size of the next woman. Why? Because I am too busy making sure I look right. I find my days smiling at me loving me up and someone will come and say “You shouldn’t do that. Let someone else love you” but if I wait around for some random person to say they love me and never show myself any love where is the justification in that. Yes I have moments when I want to weigh less but really I love the skin I am in. Why should I change? Who knows what is good for me? Any doctor will say being healthy is the key. So if I eat healthy, watch my sugar and never have any issues does that make YOU better than me because YOU are skinny. Why compare? The joke is on you people who exercise everyday because my doctor told me my cholesterol rate was one that most of his slimmer, I run fifty miles a day, patients do not have. Guess what the doctor said? “How did you do it?” Yeah my hips, curves and rolls may offend YOU but I am sick and tired of trying to change them so YOU will stop giving me that look YOU do when YOU see me coming. I am happy, I love myself and truly I do not plan on changing. Now I know some people feel like you have to change for your mate but guess what…..If he start loving these curves right, he won’t want to stop. Love the skin you are in as I hug myself for being a thick girl with curves that JUST LOVE ME SOME ME!!!
Strange thing about forgiveness…it does more for you than for the other person. When we forgive we release burden, pain, resentment, vengence and grief. I have been guilty of holding on to be mad so long that I forgot what all the chaos was about in the first place. Forgiveness, sistas, renews the spirit. In everyone’s life will come a day when we need this. From intimate relationships to friendships. From family to co workers. Your day, if it hasn’t already come, certainly will. A friend of mine, whom I love dearly, and I spent three long years not speaking over something which could have been resolved in a matter of minutes. The kicker was the root of the problem was somewhere going right on with their lives totally oblivious to the pain they’d caused. It took us three years to figure that out…whats 3 time 365? Hell, a whole lot of lost moments. Today, we are smarter and wiser but changed. There seems to have been something stolen from us that cannot be replaced. Time can do that. This is something that saddens me to this day. Time, ladies, is abstract. It waits for no one and it does not repeat itself. All we have is this moment, this hour, this day to make things right. Don’t lose that opportunity. I have learned that it is not always so important to win the battle. I just want to not lose what is really important. Time won’t give me back those three years. But within God’s grace I have today to say “I love you and I am sorry” —- Blessings
I know I may be a day late and a dollar short here ladies but I finally watched the Barbara Walters Pre-Oscar special, which included an interview with Mo’Nique (one of my favorite entertainers). During this interview Mo’Nique revealed that she and her husdand Sidney Hicks share an “open marriage” which would allow for sex with others outside of the marriage. Now this is Mo’Nique’s third marriage and she seems very happy. According to the interview the two have been friends since childhood and have an awesome relationship but I cannot help to question the entire concept of an open marriage. She defined cheating as lying and being deceitful however contends that simply having a sexual affair (no matter how many times it is repeated) does not, in fact, fall under her definition of cheating as long as she is told the act took place.
Seeing as that I am a stickler for detail I felt it necessary to check some definitions of marriage and even looked through some traditional wedding vows…I found the words “forsaken all others..blah blah…remain true to him/her…blah blah…united as one” but no where did I find “sleep around and as long as you share the facts with your spouse all is well”. I also question the message being sent to our younger generation that fidelity is an accessory, not a requirement. Furthermore, according to the Center for Disease Control women of color are the hardest hit by HIV/AIDS. Young women are more likely to contract the disease than older women and AIDS is a common killer of women coming in second only to cancer and heart disease.
After listening to this interview I asked myself “Is it because this is her THIRD marriage?” “Is this a hard but true fact that we (women) need to began to accept?” “Am I crazy because I say I WISH YOU WOULD!!!”
To My Friend,
I will never know what happened. How did you slip away from us and I not notice? We were once like sisters, stuck to each other like glue. When I got the news of your death, I said what many people say “What do you mean dead?” We think we have forever to say the things we need to say, to correct our wrongs, to mend our wounds. Truth is forever is whatever God says it is and tomorrow is not mine or yours. Dawn, your forever came so soon it seems and as I write this confused tears blur the page. How could this have happened to you? MY FRIEND! Better question, where was I when you needed me? Man, life drags us from one “important” project to the next. We lose focus, we lose control. I passed your house so many times and said “I’ll stop by tomorrow.” I want to talk to you. I want to hug you and say that we are going to fight this together. I’m angry that drugs came into your life…into all our lives because once it touches someone we love it touches us all. Do you remember junior high when you, Tanray, Rodricka and I were the “Hollywood Squares”? When we skipped school to go to the youth fair? When we learned that I was not joining you all at Northwestern? Dawn, we had so many plans to be old ladies together, still talking trash, singing our own songs, writing our own stories. I apologize for not keeping my end of the bargain, for letting life take me away from our friendship…our sisterhood. Know that I never will forget your smile, your laugh or the fact that your hands were unnaturally soft. But most of all I am reminded now that we must never forget to remember the promises we make. Never get so busy that we can’t return a call or stop by and sit on the steps and chat with an old friend. I pray that no one else has to ever feel what I am feeling right now and no one else has to hurt the way you were hurting and not have a friend standing by your side. I love you Dawn. Rest in Peace…..
From Member: OK ladies, before we start this topic let me be the first to say I have been on both sides of this scenario and I would like for us to open mindly share all aspects. I know this one can get heated. Like I said I been the “wifey” who got cheated on and I have been the “HER!” who was on the sideline trying to be in the spotlight. I will be the first to say neither position is an easy one to be in. I could defend my actions by saying that in the beginning of the relationship I was not made aware that the starting position was already taken. But then the question becomes “but when you found out why did you stay” so I won’t bother to do that. The other woman, I have found, lives a sad and unfulfilling existence. She knows that she isn’t right. She knows that she has to appear invisible. She hates only because she longs for the time, attention and respect she cannot dare demand. It’s not the wife or girlfriend that she despises. It is, however, loneliness that she fears. As the wifey, I am appauled that you dare enter my life and try to tear apart what i have. As the “other” I am angry that you have what should be mine. I have worked too hard to make them happy. I stay available, I answer the calls, I run the errands, I wait up late, Get up early. I keep my hair in that style, I wear those shoes they love while you get to sit around all comfy and do nothing. As the wife, I have built them up from nothing. Wiped their tears, cleaned their noses, had the kids, took care of his mama. I was here when you weren’t. You have no idea!
What do u do when you end up here? Who is at fault? Can this be saved?
I grew up in a single parent household. Women make up the majority of the role models in my family. Growing up, I always admired their “strength” to not let a man come in and “tell them what to do”. My grandmother, mother, aunts and adult cousins all worked hard and paid their own way. Men were more like a great arm piece or a source for additional income. From my perspective..they were SO strong. I don’t remember ever seeing them cater to man as the song says. I would hear “oh she just weak..letting him tell her what to do..he put his pants on just like I do” if a friend or acquaintance suffered a bad break up or took back a man who hurt them. I was taught that isn’t what strong women do. I was a child of the 70s and the women’s movement was in full swing. Strong women brought home the bacon AND fried it up in a pan. If a man was in your life he better have money and he better behave or he simply had to go. So it leads me to ask…are we raised to love freely? Now don’t get me wrong I love the determination, drive and passion of independence but is it so wrong to desire being held and loved? To not have to have all the answers, all the time? To feel a sense of loss when things go wrong and to want to work at having a healthy balance between yourself and your chosen mate? Is it really weak to ask your significant other’s opinion and respect his/her position when making life decisions? I was married, then divorced and I am here to tell you getting divorced isn’t fun. The expectation (at least in my family) is that you do what you have to and put your feelings in your back pocket. What I must admit is my back pockets were so full of feelings, my jeans were waaayyy too tight. The greatest tragedy is when you can’t say to the women you love and admire the most “I am hurt, I am afraid, I don’t know what I am going to do” without the fear that you will be considered one of those “weak” women you’ve heard about time and time again. Love means being vulnerable…being vulnerable will sometimes lead to being hurt or caught “off guard” but all love is worth the journey. When I found the courage to love again I discovered a strength I never knew and I want to share it with the world…. Strong women LOVE hard and even when we fall..WE GET BACK UP AND DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN!
I have always been really selfconscious about my weight. I never tell guys but I always worry. I think over the years I have gotten better, but there are times when a guy will say take it all off and I flinch. I have dated some very nice looking men but the feeling is still the same. Is he gonna not want me when he sees what I am hiding under all these clothes? Is he gonna be rude when I take my clothes off? Am I ready to deal with the embarrassment? The answer is always the same “HELL TO THE NO!!!”
I just started dating this guy and I know he’s the one for me but you know how you have that second thought in the back of your mind telling you something bad is going to happen? Yeah I have been doing everything possible to run him away. I have just come up with one thing or another to make him go away but he’s still here.
So back to the weight thing…..he asked me to take a full picture of me and I said okay but never did it. He was getting upset but I just couldn’t do it. Why was it so hard? Because I didn’t want him to notice that I’m a plus size woman. Now go ahead and say it. If he’s seen me once he knows I’m plus size but that smart thought didn’t register in my mind. I just went back to the old way of thinking. Is he gonna be like “Oh no she’s fat!” Which again I say is dumb but that’s how I think. So I waited until the next day and I texted him about my self conscious thoughts.
Two days pasted and then he says “Who told you I like skinny girls?” Of course I forgot about the message so I’m like what are you talking about. He then references the text and I felt like damn I was hoping we were going to have to talk about this. He then begins to say (while my mind is wondering how bad is this going to get?), if you have a problem with your weight then let’s join a gym or go walking. He says we can do something about it if it is bothering you. I was lost for words. Did he just say that? Am I watch “Why did I get married?” Am I being set up? Who knows I think about that part of the movie all the time? And as all these things run through my mind, he is sitting there patiently waiting for me to respond.
I thought I was going to cry. A man who is really thinking about me? Who is willing to help me with my flaws even if they are my own and does not bother him? What prayer did I say that made me this lucky? I have no idea but I am more than grateful that God heard me and sent me him!!
I recently watched the season premiere of “Basketball Wives”. In this episode Evelyn has decided to profit off of selling t-shirts with the slogan “You’re a Non-F’in Factor” (short recap: Last season Evelyn revealed that she slept with cast member Tammi’s husband and in a heated argument blurted out “oh well you were a non f’in factor”) Apparently the statement went viral and thus her “brilliant” plan took flight.
My question stems from the factor that Evelyn and Shaunie seem to be pretty good friends. So as friends I wonder why didn’t Shaunie speak up and say “Hey friend, that’s in very poor taste. How about you DON’T do the shirts?”
Ladies, what kind of friends are we if we stand by and say nothing when our good girlfriends show out in public, make bad judgement calls, lack integrity, are classless and down right unladylike?
Am I not your friend if I call you out on your mess? Is this simply an example of birds of a feather flocking together?
Shouldn’t we hold ourselves and our friends to a standard of excellence? Does it not look bad on you, as a woman, when your friend acts like she has lost her mind and you amen the madness? Aren’t we responsibile to be the voice of reason?
Soooo in Norcross, Ga. third graders from one public school took home an assignment which contained math questions such as the one below. The school officials contend that this was NOT racially motivated just “a poorly written question”…what do you think? I think this is just an example as to why we must demand sensitivity training for all teachers and adminstrators. Our country’s history must be taught, our children must be made aware of what it took to build the United States into the country it is today; however, we cannot have teachers and administrators allowing this type of poor judgment slipping through the cracks.
As Casey Anthony sat perched on a chair in front of her laptop sharing the details of her new life I could not stop shaking my head wondering “huh”? I mean I get it, she was found innocent of murder and as such deserves to return to a “normal” life but wait a minute Casey….YOUR DAUGHTER WAS MURDERED!!!! I mean come on, sitting here shooting the breeze about how long you will remain in hiding and your new puppy and the kindness of strangers…but you NEVER mention that your child, your beautiful, innocent baby girl was murdered and since you didn’t do it…THERE IS A MURDERER RUNNING FREE OUT THERE! Right?
For every parent, sadly I know a few who have lost a child, I ask what does a normal life look like after your child is gone? Does their name still come up in conversation? Do you still get that sinking feeling when you see their picture or meet a child with the same name? Why isn’t Casey Anthony publicly demanding that the search for her daughter’s killer continue? I mean she has this uncensored forum. I cannot imagine an innocent parent, after having been dragged through a lengthy trial and found NOT guilty, sitting there talking about insignifcant accounts of her day when the guilty party roams the earth free.
Who is the voice of the silenced child? Who cries her tears and fights this battle? Rest in Peace, Little Caylee…we have not forgotten.
As we walk in our truth, in the pursuit of positive change and growth, we must keep in mind that our thoughts become things. If we think abundance and prosperity, we will live in abundance and prosperity. If we think about failure and defeat, we will live in that as well. I challenge you to pray about, speak about and move consciously towards the life you MOST desire leaving behind the disappointments of the past. No this is not easy, but who promised it would be? One of the greatest legacies we can leave is a fearless quest for greatness. One that will equip our children with a life lesson that keeps on giving. That it is not our falling down that breaks us but, in fact, our getting up will MAKE us. Our daughters and their daughters should not be afraid of this big world and neither should we.
Our younger selves would probably beat up our current self if she caught us hiding from a challenge. She knows you’re bigger than this moment. Our truth is a journey into self discovery. It will make us open doors that were closed, turn on the lights in dark places, turn a whisper into a yell and free fall from a high place into an unknown space.
It is our responsibility to give the our girls the two things they need to grow and flourish, ROOTS and WINGS. We can’t make it without them and they won’t make it without us. Happy trails!!!!
So here we are again on the verge of a brand new year. What will you be doing when 2012 rings in? Sharing a kiss with your significant other, wearing your party hat backwards letting old acquaintance be forgotten or maybe even in church thanking the Almighty for letting you see another year. Have you made your new year resolutions? Better question…did you keep last year’s? What is a resolution anyway? Are we promising ourselves to do something that for what ever reason was impossible to accomplish the prior twelve months? I find myself on resolution boycott because if I want to change something I hope I start changing it the moment I accept that it NEEDS to be changed. Losing weight, going back to school, getting out of a bad relationship or into a good one…who says January 1st is the perfect time to implement these processes? So this year I challenge you, yes you, to change the way you look at change. Change the way you FEEL about change. Know that change comes in three parts. Part One – Recognize the need to change. Part Two- Accept that the change STARTS inside of you. Part Three- Move consciously in the change.
Truth is everyday we wake up we are given an opportunity to adjust the way we live our lives. We can eat healthier, stop smoking, start losing weight, began dating, lay the foundation for a new business venture, enroll in school, go to church, call our kids or parents..all starting today! We can laugh longer, smile more often, dream bigger and soar higher than we did yesterday. There is no reason to keep waiting. So as we bid farewell to 2011 let us also say goodbye to that frame of mind which tells us we have to wait for the “perfect” moment to begin to live our very best lives. The moment is NOW!
Here’s to you and yours a safe, happy and abundant NEW YEAR!!!
From Herman Cain’s Sexual Harrassment Scandals to Kim K’s 72 day marriage….Click the link and listen to our thoughts and feel free to share yours!
“Sometimes I wonder do I really want that dream love I always speak of when I seem to fall for the same ole kind of lover time after time.” Do you ever have that conversation with yourself? I mean hey we read all the books, watch the movies, share our stories and see the patterns in our sister-friends and their relationships and still we do it again. We date the person who doesn’t know how to give of themselves, but wants our all. We imagine ourselves in this happily ever after even though that frog we been kissing really never becomes our prince. So now the question becomes do you truly believe that you ARE the princess in your story? I dream myself standing on a beach, holding hands with the love of my life, pregnant with our child. I feel the love all around us then I wake up to an opposite reality. Where do you see yourself in your world? Are you walking the path to your happiness or are you stuck on the treadmill of destruction? Is the person you’re loving even able to love you back? When you mention marriage, kids, career or moving does he/she share your passion? Do you find yourself dreaming out loud for both of you? Love is a blessing..rather giving or receiving. There is nothing wrong with loving someone who is still finding themselves in love. However, as the seasons of your needs change you must be brave enough to move with your season! I try to imagine that my love is like a great oak….strong, resilient, everlasting. One bad season in love can’t destroy me. “Same ole love” just isn’t for me.
I love that fact the people on Facebook I have never meet or verbally talked with over the phone but they support our activities of isista, rather on blog talk radio, or reposting my status. The more supportive people you have in your life the more effective your support system will be.
How Do you Build a Stong Support System?
Surrounding Yourself with the Right People Will Lead to Your Success
These should be people who know you well and are able to notice when your behavior becomes unusual or unhealthy. They should be positive and encouraging and help you experience more hope, courage and strength.They are the ones that are feeding your mind on a regular basis. Having self-confidence that will never fail is a manifestation of a strong mind. Anything we want to be strong in the future needs to fed in the present.
I realize I have those people, you would think they are your family members or closest friend but they are the people who are striving for success just as I am.
Everyone you invite into your life should make you better.
Have a support system that will hold you accountable without YOU being offended. These are the people who will tell you what you need to hear, no matter how much the truth hurts.
You need people who will be with you, no matter what. When you win, they are happy without reservation. If someone is doing the same thing you are doing and getting noticed or excelling, don’t be upset, jealous, disappointed, and a hater. Haters have decided that their best hope for happiness is to sabotage your attempt to be great rather than stage an attempt of their own.
Avoid enablers those people that tell you want you want to hear, but following their advice always seems to get you in trouble.
Lastly, Be your own best friend, position yourself for success.
Who do you have in your life that can serve as a support?
Tanisha Simpkins, iSista
Some of you reading this right now may be wondering who Amber Cole is, and some of you may be very familiar with her story. But what we all have in common is that while we may not know this young woman personally, we all have an Amber Cole in our lives. To bring you up to speed here is a summary of the story:
Amber Cole is a 14 yr old girl in Baltimore who was performing $exual acts on a young man while someone recorded it. That person or persons then went on to upload the video online and it went viral. The story became a trending topic on Twitter and the video has been hosted on several websites and blogs. Because of the ages of both parties involved it is considered child pornography. While the federal authorities have gotten involved, Amber’s name and reputation has been torn apart.
The purpose of my post today is not to get into the details of the story…there are several different versions of how Ms. Cole got to be in this predicament. However the one verifiable fact is that she is 14 years old. Legally and in the world of common sense, she is not old enough to consent allowing the video to be made or posted online. What have we become as a community when this type of video of a minor is posted publicly and ridiculed by what are supposed to be adults? What I find more disturbing than the video is the reaction and comments that I have read from what are supposed to be adults. By labeling her a whore, fast, making jokes, and creating YouTube rap songs that further denigrate her sends a message to all of our girls that they have no value to the world. Behavior that should be shunned and corrected has become entertainment. The internet is not a bathroom stall, the images and words posted cannot be erased with a good coat of primer. This will follow her all of her life, long after the wisdom from this lesson is prayerfully deeply ingrained in her mind.
What we all need to accept and come to understand is that more children are born into single mother households than ever before. Studies show that girls that have strong relationships with their fathers wait longer to have their first sexual experience and tend to make better choices. The rampant lack of consistent, positive male role models in our daughters’ lives leaves them vulnerable to making poor choices, and easy prey for people with everything but the best intentions in mind. It is very easy to click on a link and shake our head at today’s trending topic then close the window. But if you look around at the young girls in your own family it is important to realize that this can happen to them. And if by chance it is not your daughter, sister, or cousin understand that it could be her best friend. Between mainstream media and popular culture, our children today are oversexualized and desensitized. What was once taboo and scary has become the new normal. Social mores and lines have faded. Where truth once gave boldness to our actions, immaturity has stepped in.
As a community we should be collectively surrounding her and outraged that two of our children who clearly are not fully capable of making any life altering choices were blasted across the internet for all the world and pedophiles to see. The images have been posted on blogs that make money from advertising and amount of traffic to their site. Two of our children are being exploited and one of them branded for life by people who are only interested in making money.
This story should be used as a teachable moment for our sons and daughters. Use this as an opportunity to begin a dialogue with your teens and preteens about sexting, online persona, accountability, and the importance of standing up when someone is being wronged.
- 1 cup of brown sugar
- ½ cup oil (coconut, olive or the oil of your choice)
- 10-15 drops of an essential oil
- Gel caps of vitamins E, A or C
Mix 1 cup of brown sugar, ½ cup oil (coconut, olive or the oil of your choice) and 10-15 drops of an essential oil.
Pour the mixture in a small plastic container with a lid. Store any extra scrub that you don’t use.
Add vitamins E, A or C to nourish your skin. This is not necessary but will provide a supply of vitamins essential for healthy skin. Simply break open a gel cap and mix the oil with the scrub mixture.
Stir the mixture before using, since the oil rises to the top. Place a small amount on the palm of your hand and with your other hand, rub it on your body in circular motions. Use this scrub on your whole body, with the exception of your face and sensitive areas.