Category Archives: Family and Parenting

step parents
Jan 18 2013

10 Commandments of Step-Parenting

I’m a step-parent, I don’t identify with that title unless I’m legally bound to or someone asks specifically; and no, I don’t have any biological children of my own. My situation is rare, or so I’ve been told. My husband (the biological father of my children) and I have been married since November 2011, we have had our oldest (now 18) since December 2010 and the soon to be 10 year old since August 2011. Yes, the mother of my children is alive and well, not incarcerated, the children were not removed from her custody, and she has no substance abuse issues.

When the call came in October 2011, to my then fiancé, that his 16 year old son needed him (like all boys do) and that their biological mother was willing to give him custody of him, there was no question in my mind that’s what he needed to do. He so gingerly asked me, literally skating around the question to the point that I had to say it and my response was a resounding yes. And when the question came again in August 2011 for the then 8 year old, my response was the same. (I won’t bore you with the other details)
I’ve often been asked a series of questions by both women and men that have biological children, are in a step-parenting situation, or simply just want to know. The questions range from: why would I take on this responsibility, why would I raise someone else’s kids for them, how can I love and do for them the way that I do. Well, it’s simple (and besides, my momma told me I was more than capable of doing it):

1. Those kids were here before me.
2. They didn’t ask to be here.
3. I would never be the reason why a man wouldn’t be taking care of his kids; there are more than enough excuses that one could come up with, but I wouldn’t be it.
4. If he wouldn’t take care of them, then he would never take care of me. *drops mic*

Though I don’t have any biological children of my own (yes women like me, in our mid to late 30′s, do still exist), I don’t take for granted that I didn’t give birth to my sons. Like one friend told me, I got kids the easy way: no stretch marks or sleepless nights. And if at any time one of them says “you’re not my mom”, that would be a very true statement. But the fact of the matter is, you can’t tell they’re not mine.
So, enough about my story, how do you get to that:
1. Don’t try to buy their love for their respect: at the end of the day they will only love what you buy for them and won’t respect you for it.
2. Say what you mean and mean what you say: rewards don’t come without consequences.

3. Make sure your yes is yes, your no is no, and don’t make promises just because it’s the easy way out. 

4. Rules without relationship breed rebellion and a relationship without rules breeds chaos. 
5. Make sure you and your spouse maintain a open line of communication as it relates to their child; because yes, at the end of the day, they are legally responsible.
6. Do not discuss adult issues in front of the children, especially if it relates to them or their other biological parent.
7. You are not the biological mother or father, so know your place and make sure to respect that biological parent. Maintain an open relationship with the other parent, whether the children live with you and your spouse or just visit. If the child/children live with you then be sure to involve the other parent in that child’s life. 
8. Don’t ever say a bad thing about that other parent to or in ear shot of that child; no matter what. Remember, that is still their mother or father that you are talking about. And the same should go for your spouse also. Issues will arise and bad feelings will emerge at some point. You betta go to God first.
9. Allow the child/children to call you what they are comfortable calling you. Do not force yourself on them, it should come naturally.
10. Where much is given, much is required. Pray for those children and their parents, because ultimately you are really praying for yourself.

Think about it like this, treat your step-children the way you would want a step-parent to treat your child. If you are the product of remarried parents, just remember how you were treated, good or bad – glean from that experience. Your responsibility is to add to that child’s life as another parent, it’s addition not subtraction by eliminating the other parent and it’s definitely not division. It is my desire to be a blessing to my children, but really I am blessed because they are in my life.
Andsoitis…

step parents

Written and Submitted by: Shanterra Carter-Bruce

Trayvon
Mar 25 2012

Trayvon was MY Child TOO!

I am the mother of a 17 year old son.  Every since this story broke, I have been brokenhearted by that one simple thought. I, too, am the mother of a 17 year old son.  In less than 90 days, Lord willing, I will witness my son graduate from high school.  In less than five months, he will be a freshman in college.  I can still remember the first moment I laid eyes on my 10 pound 3 ounce bundle of joy.  I often wonder where the time went.  When I think about Trayvon’s mother, I can only imagine that she can also recall the first moment she held him in her arms, his first steps and even anticipated watching him walk across the stage on his graduation day.

I can imagine that when she agreed for him to spend spring break at his father’s home in Sanford, Florida she breathed a sigh a relief KNOWING he would be in good hands and out of harm’s way.  I would have had that very same thought.  We can debate the Florida “Stand Your Ground” law to the end of time and it won’t make this right.  Trayvon represents the face of every single boy child in every community in this country.  He wasn’t robbing a neighborhood, he wasn’t selling drugs, truth is if he was doing any of that most of us would say “oh well that was inevitiable”. Instead, he was just being a kid, buying a snack and heading back to his dad’s.  A stranger was following him and he tried to lose this “weird” guy.  In hindsight, it seems he had every reason to fear this man.  The innocence of childhood was lost on that day and no matter what we may want to think about the virtues of protecting our belongings from unruly teens, this was a bad call.

Trayvon was my son too.  I can’t imagine, Tyriq (my 17 year old) making a different decision than the ones Trayvon made on that day.  I know that I would have been delighted to hear his father say to me “I want him to come up to my house for Spring Break.” I would have lovingly helped him pack his bag and kissed him on the forehead and said “have fun and make good decisions” (ask him, I say this everyday). I, however; could not imagine him coming home to me in a box.  Geraldo commented and said “his hoodie was as much at fault for his death as Zimmerman”. REALLY??? I would love to know what Geraldo would say if Trayvon was HIS child.

I stand with every parent and otherwise appauled citizen of the world,  for every child, everywhere. They deserve the chance to grow up.  To live in a changed world, where we don’t search for reasons to mow them down in the streets, no matter what neighborhood the street may be in.  TRAYVON WAS MY CHILD TOO!

New Image
Oct 17 2011

Perfectly Imperfect

I was LITERALLY running in the rain in my heels.  The heels that aren’t really so comfortable, but match my dress and scarf, yes those heels. I was running in the rain worked up into a frenzy because I was late for the mother’s day tea at my daughter’s school. Every day for two weeks in Japanese class she practiced a song about how much a little girl loved her mother.   I took my time picking out something I knew she would think was pretty because I was one of the mother’s that was going to be brought on the stage….and I was late.  The calendar in my mind and the one in my phone were off by 1 hour, it was pouring raining, and the parking lot was full.

When I made it to the cafeteria (may I add that it was not a graceful entrance) the song was almost over. The assistant principal was sitting in my place on stage and my baby had a pout on her face like nobody’s business. I whispered to the principal that I felt awful because I was supposed to be on stage.  Once the song was over, the principal asked the audience if they would mind if the girls sang the song again. She explained that one of the Mothers had gotten caught in the rain and just made it. The audience clapped and laughed and agreed.  So I did my mother’s walk of shame up onto the stage and sat down, mouthed a big thank you to everyone, and the girls sang again.

As funny as this story is, it can really put things into perspective. How many times do we as parents literally slide into home base trying to be everywhere at one time?  We wear so many hats (err umm heels), that the guilt of trying to be all things and failing hits you like those raindrops that morning.  We have become a society of multitaskers and allow the pressure to be the “perfect parent” to stop us from being the perfect parent.  So what if you bought a Halloween costume instead of making one!  The world will not stop turning if you rather slide $10 to the booster club instead of being the parent responsible for snacks after football practice.  And if you are running late and feed your kids McDonalds instead of whole wheat crackers and hummus I promise you that everything will be ok. 

I am not downplaying the importance of stepping up as a parent, healthy eating, or overall craftiness. But what I am saying is that parenting is about balance.  We subject ourselves to the birthday party circuit, Disney on Ice, and Chuck-E- Cheese (admit it, you don’t really like Chuck-E-Cheese do you?) because our children mean the world to us.  At the end of the day the thing that they care about the most is that you were there, that you cared. That you showed up cheered at their basketball game and hugged them when they lost.  

Trying to be perfect does not allow your children to see your humanness.  Being honest about the little and big mistakes (age appropriate disclosure of course), lets them know that they can come to you when they fall short as well.

How about you?  Do you have a funny story about trying to be a superhero?  Do you find it hard to manage a hectic schedule?  Do you have Mommy/Daddy guilt?  Would you like to beat up go to Chuck-E-Cheese?
Oct 8 2011

Absentee Parent: 10 Years and Running

This story is going to be all too familiar but just bear with me: My son is 10 years old and his father has been in pursuit of “getting on his feet” for just as long. Now usually he pops up every 60 days with a call or stop by and then somehow this past year he totally disappeared..no calls, no guest appearances. My son has questioned me to no end about where, when and why he has not heard from his dad and then I get this letter:

First of all I am sorry for not getting in contact with you sooner!!!!! Second, I don’t even begin to know how to face you or my son!!! Third, yea, be mad, i deserve it… I don’t care!!! I know that at this point i have failed my soni, you, everybody!!!! Just know that was not on intentional!!! I DID NOT FORGET my sons birthday, or Christmas!!!!!!!! I left Miami last year and have not been back…
I have beeen out of town trying to find work and get back on my feet!!!!!!!!!! But this shit is not happening!!!!! I am tired!!!! I don’t know what else to do but, keep trying!!!! I saw your message 1 week ago and could not respond, because I know that MY SEED is hurting!!!!!! Just know this!!!!! I am better tan this!!! I love MY SEED!!!!!!!!!!!! and I am hurting tooooooo. I am tired of struggling, yet i refuse to give up!!!!!!!! so, be mad, you have the right to be!!!!!!! But if I ever get this right My KIds are At the top of my list of concerns!!!!!!! I AM NOT A F#!King dead beat DAD!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE MY KIDS!!!!!!! BE MAD!!!!!!!! I AM VERY MAD AT MYSELF!!!!!!! IF you think that I AM enjoying this rethink it !!!!!!!! KEISHA I DON”T know what else to say!!!! WHEN I can buy a phone I will call you!!! I have not had a chance to use a computer in months… right now i am using a friends.. Tell my son i will not ever forget him he is mine
if you want to respond i will check face book when i can!!!! If not i understand!!!! oh!!!! ur pic looks nice!!!! you look happy!!! I would not wish anything less for you!!!!

Now before you call him all the things I initially wanted to let me tell you what this letter really did to me…It made me say thank you God! Yes it did! Why? Because I was almost convinced he was dead! I thanked God that, on top of all the other things I cannot explain to my son, I did not have to look in that child’s face and say “I have to tell you some bad news’ as well. Family…a few years ago I watched painfully as my niece and nephew said goodbye to their father for the last time and even to this day that pain is real for them. What’s my point? Well family, we get caught up in the economics of parenthood and forget the emotions. I, personally, could care less where he winds up but my child cares. Rich or poor, sick or well, famous or infamous..our children need our presence in their lives. I know this is a hard pill to swallow when you are struggling to raise a child and the other party is somewhere living carefree but if I can impress ONE thing on you today..let it be that time is priceless! TIME IS PRICELESS! I thank God that he is alive based on that fact…and I continue to pray that he will discover where his wealth lies..in the face of his child! Be blessed!